Archive by Author

Gretta Monahan’s Smart, Successful Style

I meet Ms. Gretta Monahan at a small New York City restaurant, and she greets me with a hug. She’s wearing a causal jacket, scarf, leggings and ankle boots, but it doesn’t appear that she’s trying to impress anyone. Instead, she quickly settles in to talk. Cradling her cup of tea, she is at ease and looks content. Cleary, she has done several interviews to promote her new book, Style And The Successful Girl, and could easily come across with a superficial smile and polished answers, but instead Ms. Monahan is very serious and focused. During the 90 minute interview, she never checks her phone and seldom loses eye contact. A few times, she looks away as if to catch her thoughts, but not in a way to edit them, only to provide clarity. What is also surprising is how genuine she presents herself. The first thing she does is offer gratitude. “Thank you so much for meeting me here. I know you had other meetings. I know you are busy.”

Busy doesn’t begin to describe Ms. Monahan, who is mother to a three-year-old son, and makes frequent appearances on the Rachael Ray Showand Good Morning America. Now, she is hard at work promoting her new book. For years, she says, “I helped celebrities discover their own style,” but she is keenly aware that all women “have the same issues.”

Ms. Monahan says she spent over two years writing the book, and selecting just the right approach. After she completed the book, the editor was getting ready to submit it for publication when Ms. Monahan halted the project. She says others advised against it because she is a first time author. However, Ms. Monahan said she followed her gut: “I knew I could give more. I started over. I also wanted to feature women (who are not celebrities) who inspire me.”

When a woman starts to look at their own style, Ms. Monahan suggests that she first examine her own taste and needs, and be honest about what garments work with their silhouette. So before you rush out to buy a new wardrobe, Ms. Monahan suggests you look at yourself and your own wardrobe. While snapshots of famous women are scattered throughout the book, Ms. Monahan hopes women will see this as a guide rather than an intimidation factor. She writes, “Let the photos do the work of a consultation with a personal shopper or stylist.” During the interview, Ms. Monahan said, “Celebrities are consistent with their style. That’s why it works for them.”

After 20 years in the styling and beauty business, Ms. Monahan has developed her own styling formula. She says women fit into one of four categories: Weekend Girl, Girly Girl, Sophisticated Girl or Sexy Girl. In her book, there are plenty of examples for each type. She says while each woman can experiment with a little of each, selecting one style type eliminates frustration. “Women who tell me that they have nothing to wear are usually women who don’t know their style and have too much. I tell women to start with their closet. Don’t rush out and buy something,” says Ms. Monahan.

Ms. Monahan’s book also recommends that women be honest about their silhouette. There are beauty tips as well as her own product choice suggestions for those who are curious or confused. The products listed are everything from the ones you will find at your drugstore, to those behind the counter at a high-end department store. Rest assured, not only has Ms. Monahan worn each product, she has carefully scrutinized it as well. She clarifies: “I take it very seriously who I recommend. The costumer is investing in a product to solve a problem. I give people specific recommendations, and you can put my name on it.”

The first time author is well aware that many women have only a handful of minutes each day to read a book, and may go directly to the chapter that speaks to them. She adds: “That’s why it’s set up this way — in sections.” She also advises for those who want to know where to put their money — it is in a good haircut. “Hair is the most important cosmetic. You should be getting compliments on your haircut.”

Some may call Ms. Monahan’s beauty approach superficial because it focuses on outward appearance, but her philosophy offers more. She explains: “When you go to an interview or connect with a potential client, you make a first impression. People judge you. If you feel great in your appearance, it can help you feel confident. I help with that.”

Dr. Srinivasan Pillay, CEO of NeuroBusiness Group and Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, and friend of Ms. Monahan, agrees with her approach. He says: “Beauty shines through when what we wear is in sync with who we are. I think Gretta is an inspiration to women. She recognizes that intelligence and style go hand in hand. And that when you feel great, you inevitably look great to the world.”

In the entertainment world, Ms. Monahan encountered people who underestimated her talent and potential. In the beginning, there were times when she wanted to style someone well known, and no one would call her back. She recalls: “I wanted to say, ‘Give me a chance.’ You have to be diligent.” She has no hard feelings for those who quickly dismissed her. “Everyone has something to offer as a life lesson.”

Ms. Monahan’s life lessons came from her own family. When she was an infant, her parents got divorced, and her own mother moved in with family. It is clear that Ms. Monahan wasn’t born with a silver spoon, either. “My family were immigrants. I come from a working class family, and they worked very hard, that meant having two jobs.”

This hard work ethic rubbed off on Ms. Monahan. She says she turned to other women for business advice and met the ultra-successful beauty expert, Trish McEvoy. Ms. Monahan recalls, “I met Trish early on (in my career) and I learned from her.”

Ms. Monahan has moved beyond conversations with Ms. McEvoy, and is now the owner of one resort at Foxwoods in Connecticut, three salons and one boutique. She describes, Foxwoods as “a full service, absolute luxury spa.” In addition, she completed an executive MBA program at Harvard Business School, and continues to seek opportunities to expand her brand.

In front of the camera, she worked with fashion genius, Mr. Tim Gunn on his Bravo show,Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style. She describes working with Mr. Gunn as “a dream — I loved it.” In her book, Ms. Monahan writes about her work with him.

Backstage at the Rachael Ray Show is where I met Ms. Monahan for the second time. She warmly greeted me, and introduced me to the show’s staff. It is clear that she respects their work and she is easy to work with. However, she works hard at developing her own descriptions for the travel products, which she will cover for the upcoming segment. While waiting to go onstage, she discusses her son’s toilet training dilemma with a staff manager, and asks about another staff member’s father. It is apparent that she had prior conversations with both staff personnel, and isn’t trying to impress anyone.

Despite this phenomenal success, Ms. Monahan focuses the conversation back on her family. She credits her late maternal Aunt Kathy for giving her inspiration and hope. Ms. Monahan dedicates the book to her, writing: “In loving memory to the original Successful Girl of my life, my beloved Aunt Kathy, whose love, strength, lessons and spirit continue to guide and inspire me.” In person, Ms. Monahan gets misty eyed when describing her aunt.

The last conversation I have with Ms. Monahan is on the telephone. She puts the phone down, and is trying to soothe her son. “Sorry, about that. He usually isn’t up this late. Ricky is getting him settled in.”

For the past six years she’s been with actor/ producer Ricky Paull Goldin. He’s equally as busy. Not only is he the father to their son, but he has an impressive resume. He’s been the host of an HGTV show, acted in Guiding Light and recently completed filming The Humbling with Al Pacino and Barry Levinson. While they could easily be overwhelmed by the entertainment business, Ms. Monahan says family is their focus. She maintains: “My greatest accomplishment is my son, Kai Rei, who I had with my soulmate Ricky.”

You can view Gretta Monahan’s website here.

You can follow Ms. Monahan on Twitter: @Grettamonahan.

You can also read this blog on The Huffington Post.

Did you LOVE this blog? Don’t miss a single one! Join today and receive your complimentary copy of 5 Ways to Practice Gratitude Today!

From Sea to Table

I admit I am a bit challenged when it comes to cooking, so the thought of cooking fish from Melinda Fager’s new cookbook, Living Off the Sea, put me in a mild frenzy. Then I stopped to actually read the cookbook, and I realized that it was written in a language that even I could understand. The ingredients and preparation work appeared simple. Melinda was very sweet and assured me that I wasn’t the only one with this fear. She suggested I try the pan seared bass recipe. I wasn’t as challenged as I assumed I would be and the preparation time was minimal, and it tasted delicious. I was so encouraged that I tried the same recipe with bluefish, and had the same satisfying results. Melinda normalized my worries. She explained, “I’ve learned a lot of people are afraid to cook fish, so I hope this book dispels some of that fear.”

Melinda has been married for 30 years to the highly regarded producer of 60 Minutes and Chairman of CBS, Jeff Fager. In this book, however, it is clear Jeff is all fisherman. The book reflects life on the island of Chappaquiddick and brings together family recipes, essays and her photographs. They have spent over 30 summers as a couple on this island, raising their three children, who are now adults. The children also contributed to the book.

Aside from cooking, Melinda also loves being behind the camera lens and has taken photos for years. She explains her passion for this art grew while participating in Alison Shaw’s photography workshop. “I followed Alison for years. At the end of the workshop, she (Alison) said you should have a project to keep up with everything.”

Melinda took this suggestion to heart, and decided to put a cookbook together with photographs and essays. In order to photograph all the stages of the island, this meant that she lived on Chappaquiddick for eight months. When she tired of writing she would grab her camera and go to the sea. During the off months, she focused on the essays, book design, and layout. “I lived like a monk for a year,” she jokes.

The photographs tell a simply beautiful story. Not only do they capture a day in the life of a fisherman, but Melinda also captures moments of the island that many may overlook. With her camera she brings to life wisps of delicate sand angels, clusters of berries cradled in a branch, and whistling bent sea grass. On another page, Melinda gives you the sight of birds stepping on the shore and if you pay close attention, you can see they are conversing with one another. It is as if they know they are stepping on protected shore.

Jeff and Melinda have appreciated and followed the writings of Vineyard Gazettecolumnist Brad Woodger for years. Melinda adds, “My husband and I would read it out loud to each other. Brad has a beautiful way with words.” They decided his contribution would provide the perfect complement to Living Off The Sea.

Melinda is especially fond of Brad’s essay, “A Fishing Affair,” written for her book, in which he describes the intimate relationship between man and the fish. Brad writes, “I think if we held everything before we ate, we might be considerably more reverent of our place in life, and the gift of each meal.”

It is with this reverence for the sea that Melinda and Jeff raised their three children. They built their family life here, Melinda says, with simple pleasures: fishing, reading, playing games and eating together. She explains, “Raising kids in a fishing culture gave them a chance to master skills while they thought they were having fun.”

In an equally collaborative effort, Jeff and Melinda put together these seafood recipes. The main course of each meal is Jeff’s daily fresh catch. Typically, this means bluefish, and then local fresh ingredients, from the farmer’s market, are added to bring out the flavor. “I don’t want to camouflage. I want to bring out the best flavor. The key ingredient is freshness… All of our recipes have evolved from making the most of the abundance of fish and shellfish coming directly from the waters surrounding us.”

The recipes are inspired by many local chefs. Melinda is quick to point out that she looks to others for inspiration and she admires chefs like Chris Fisher. Both bring a farm- to- table experience with every meal. She also looks to Vineyard chef and author Suzy Middleton for her presentation and use of fresh foods.

With recipes for blueberry pancakes, skunked pasta, stuffed quahogs, and blueberry vodka tonic, the cookbook can easily move you from breakfast to after dinner dessert. All the recipes are simple, involve minimal prep work and contain a handful of ingredients. Over this summer, Melinda says she has created additional recipes that will be added to her online blog.

Melinda’s blog, website, and book also contain stories and essays about the island. A recent blog entry profiles Chappy local Dana Gaines. He is the talented illustrator for the book, and delivered the sketches for her book in true Chappy form. Melinda says on her blog, “Jeff and I were boating in Edgartown Harbor and we heard our names being called out by someone in a passing sailboat. It was Dana and he was waving a packet. We pulled up alongside him and he handed over the latest illustrations.”

With her blog, Melinda plans to feature other recipes, photographs and stories that all part of the island. I’ve been happily surprised that the stories and essays have drawn as much interest as the recipes.”

You can read an excerpt of the book here, and follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

Below you will find a recipe for the Fish Marinade — I made this. It is simple and delicious.
“This is my basic marinade for bluefish, bonito, and striped bass, and it can extend to almost any fish you have available. I tend not to use as much basil with striped bass, so that I don’t take away from its subtle flavor.”

What you need:
2-3 tablespoons butter
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
Juice of 1 lemon
1 garlic clove, minced
Salt and pepper
1-2 tablespoons chopped basil leaves.
Melt butter in saucepan and add all other ingredients.
Spoon this mixture over fish fillets that have been placed skin side down on a platter.
Refridgerate for an hour
Near the end of cooking the fish, either on the grill or on the stove, use the leftover marinade to top off your fish.

You can also read this article on The Huffington Post

Did you LOVE this blog? Don’t miss a single one! Join today and get your complimentary copy of 5 Ways to Practice Gratitude Today!

Maintain Your Sanity In the Face of Loss: 6 Tools

I was 33 in 2007 when my husband was diagnosed with adrenal cancer; he died eight weeks later. From my own experience and in my research for my upcoming book, I know that dealing with a medical crisis, caregiving and the days following the death of a loved one can be very stressful. I also know that we’ve all experienced some sort of suffering or loss. This loss may be a job, divorce, friendship or significant relationship. These are the situations that cause us to weep and question everything. We all have these deep emotional wounds complete with crusty scabs and faded scars.

In our suffering, we feel completely undone and are often searching for an honest conversation. In truth, we want to feel loved and accepted. Yet, after a loss or traumatic event, things can be very confusing. Often, we are seeking a quick solution. We are emotionally fragile and obsessed with seeking inner peace. While vulnerability may be good, it can also be our tender and weak spot. I think about that soft spot on a newborn’s head, and as adults our hearts all have that same soft spot. Yet, our “soft spot” is seldom exposed because we cover it, both literally and figuratively. Others may not know how to appropriately interact with you during this time, so in all your interactions during this time, keep these six suggestions in mind:

1. Don’t try to be a people pleaser. Sounds simple, right? But you may be on the receiving end of odd requests, bizarre questions, impractical demands, and unwanted advice. Be polite, but say no when necessary and save yourself some stress.

2. Don’t speak negatively about yourself. Your self-esteem may take a plunge when you become a widow, and we will explore why later. For now, you aren’t doing yourself any favors by being down on yourself. Stop the inner critic. Treat yourself as you would your best friend in a similar situation.

3. Trust your gut. You may know instinctively how to respond to a comment or request, but you may now be second-guessing yourself. Stop and listen to your instincts. Your gut is probably correct. This can relate to so many parts of your life at this stage: friends and acquaintances offering unsolicited advice, people making suggestions that don’t apply to you, salesmen trying to push a product on you, financial planners who get in touch with you and even things your children may think is best for you.

4. Breathe. There will be moments when you are scared, uncertain, and terrified of what lies ahead. Remember to take deep breaths. This will help ground you. This is your therapy for now.

5. Write. Get a notebook and each day write down what you did, to the best of your recollection. There will be unusual phone calls and conversations that you may need to reference later. If they are all in your notebook, you can easily go back to the page and recall the date and conversation.

6. Accept help. You may not be sure what you’re going to do with a pan of lasagna or a bag full of magazines, but saying yes to those who are reaching out is good for you. Maybe you like to think of yourself as Superwoman or Miss Independent, but this is one time when you need to give yourself a pass. Go ahead, say yes to that free haircut or the friend who wants to take you to dinner. In fact, don’t just accept help, get proactive about it.

While there may be no swift or simple answer to your situation, these steps are some things that you can do to take charge. You may not experience a spiritual awakening just yet; but moving through these steps will bring some light. Be gentle with yourself and remember to give yourself grace.

This article was originally featured on MariaShriver.com and you can read it here.

If you enjoyed this article, make sure to join Kristin’s community today. Sign up today and receive your complimentary copy of 5 Ways to Practice Gratitude Today

Your Caloric Footprint

If you are like most people, there is a good chance that you recently set a wellness goal for yourself. To help you reach your goal, you will probably be engaging in some form of exercise. This means that some of you joined a gym or perhaps purchased a new piece of exercise equipment. Whatever your goal is, why not focus on giving while you burn calories? The Weightless Project allows you to do just this.

The Weightless Project partnered with charities, and established an easy to follow formula of giving and receiving. For every 1,000 calories you burn, a dollar goes to charity. This allows you to make your workout count in a meaningful way without having to open your wallet. Yes, that’s correct, the program is free. Your calories are held in reserve, and the dollar will not be released to the charity until you reach the 1,000 calorie mark. In other words, the more calories burned, the greater the gain for the charity.

Rest assured, this is a respectable project. Deepak Chopra and his foundation, The Chopra Foundation strongly encourages it. When asked about the project The Chopra Foundation said, “The Weightless Project is an example of how we can harness collection and creativity to move on the direction of a more peaceful, just, sustainable, and healthier world.”

Earlier in 2013, Mr. Poonacha Machaiah recalls asking himself these questions: “Can we equalize hunger in Africa with our own calorie footprint? How can we get people healthy? How do you transfer empathy? Can you create a habit of healthy living?”

In answering these questions, Mr. Machaiah thought about how those living in the United States of America are losing the fight againist obesity. At the same time, thousands of children and adults, all over the globe, are suffereing from hunger. Ironically, the common tread that is woven into both of these health related problems is weight. In the one situation, an indivdual’s weight is too much for their body, and the additional weight creates health problems, such as diabetes. In the other situation, the child is underweight due to malnutrition.

Mr. Machaiah wanted to restore the global weight balance, so he created the Weightless Project. He explains it this way. “This project uses calories as currency. I wanted to create a sense of empathy. I wanted (others) to see that you can move something with your actions. If I workout, it will impact the person down the road. It means something for me and for someone else if I am active.” He then approached Dr. Deepak Chopra with the idea, and found immediate support from him and the Chopra Foundation.

Technology is part of making this program a success. To make every step a smart step, you can register your fit device, such as the Jawbone or fitbit with the Weightless Project website. Once this is done, the calories will automatically be calculated. In the near future, Mr. Machaiah intends to enroll other similar devices. However, if you don’t own a device, you can still go online to register your calories burned.

Currently, all calories burned are converted into dollars going to The Chopra Foundation, who in turn sends it to the Red Cross. At this time, the money goes towards victims of Typhoon Haiyan in the Philippines. In the near future the Weightless Project is hoping to add additional charities, so that participants can choose where they would like their donate their calories.

Reframing your wellness goals can offer hope to others. Each step matters. Your fitness resolution may not be grand, but adding the Weightless Project component can be life changing.

You can read this article on Huffington Post

Did you love this article? Join today and get Kristin’s 5 Tips for Practicing Gratitude today!

A Widow’s Grief

In the process of writing my book, I’ve interviewed dozens of widows about their grief and loss. Eventually, I started getting emails and phone calls from others who experienced a different type of loss. The thing about grief is that others can relate to this universal feeling of despair because nearly everyone has experienced a significant loss. Others shared with me a lament for their child, sister, mother or close friend. When it was possible, I would meet someone for coffee and would intently listen to their story. They would share their story, and then ask about my late husband.

Over time, I noticed in talking with others that I met, that many posed a similar question. It didn’t matter the age of the person I was talking with, when they experienced their loss, what type of circumstances the loss happened under, or their current marital status. The question that I am most frequently asked was this: How do you trust in God after your husband died? I don’t think anyone was looking for a sophisticated theological explanation, but more of a wondering of how it is possible to believe in something. My answer is always hesitant because there are days when I’m not sure how or why I continue to believe. Sometimes, I stumble and people catch my awkward pause. This is how I explain my faith. I believe despite great suffering and darkness that love, coming from God, is what transcends death.

I am aware that this answer is not satisfactory to most people. Some people have shared with me a story about their spouse’s suicide or child’s accidental overdose. I know that they feel abandoned by God and cheated by life. I have no answers.

I continue to believe in God despite hearing these horrible and tragic stories. I believe that compassion comes from finding love among our deepest wounds. It is this compassion, which allows all of us to console each other. I know that it is in this place where we communicate our deepest love.

Shortly after my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I talked with my husband about my disappointment in God. I was fragile and vulnerable. There always seemed to be a lump in my throat and a tear in the corner of my eye. I told my husband, “I just don’t get it. Why?” My husband, without missing a beat, answered, “You are asking the wrong question. Instead of asking, ‘why us’, you should be asking, ‘why not us’?”

Helpful Meditation

Mediation is one of the coping skills that really allowed me to take charge of my grief and brought about a sense of healing that other things (being with friends, reading) had not.

Over the years, I’ve struggled with keeping meditation as part of my routine. Last year I caught a brief segment of a television episode that featured conversion about meditation between Dr. Deepak Chopra and Oprah. While I can’t recall his exact words, I remember he said that if you don’t know where to start your mediation, you can begin with ‘om’.

After watching this episode, I started this practice of just being present and saying ‘om’ followed by a short prayer. As woo-woo as this may sound it has brought about a beautiful peace. Less than a year after I began this morning practice, I had the honor of meeting Dr. Chopra. I told him how this had become a full circle moment for me.

There are many tools and books that provide different meditative practices and I am sharing with you this one because I know first hand just how authentic Dr. Chopra is and he knows that I am sharing this with you.

When Father’s Day is Bittersweet: One Woman Remembers Her Father

This Father’s Day will mark 35 years without my father.

He died in 1979, just two weeks shy of my fifth birthday. My mother remarried a few years later; however, Father’s Day still remains a difficult holiday. Like many adult children of widows, I’ve spent more years living without my father than I’ve lived with him. While decades have passed, I’ve learned that there is no finish line for grief. Instead, I’ve learned to cope with this enormous loss. At times, like my graduate school graduation and milestone birthdays, my father’s absence was deeply painful.

I can still recall being in Kindergarten and even though Father’s Day was not part of the actual school year, we were still asked to draw pictures of our dads.

I froze.

The male student next to me took to the task with little thought, and started drawing his father. I just sat there. I thought about a photograph that I had of my dad and briefly tried to replicate it. Then, I was confused. The photograph was in black and white. My kindergarten mind wasn’t sure what to do. Do I make up the color of the sport coat and tie my dad was wearing? The teacher noticed I was just sitting there unsure of what to do. She walked over to me, knelt down and in a very loving maternal tone said, “You can draw your grandpa or uncle.” I don’t think I verbally replied. I couldn’t think. Opting out of this assignment didn’t seem to be an option. I’m fairly certain that I was the only child in my class who had a deceased father. Both of my grandfathers were alive, but drawing them wasn’t the same.

My father died from cancer when he was thirty. I never saw him walk because he was confined to a wheelchair. The cancer had done that much damage. I know about my father through others, primarily my late maternal grandmother and my paternal uncles. It is a strange experience to learn about your father through the lens of others. Once, my paternal grandma said my father had a wool red coat and loved it. Coincidentally, I also had a red winter coat, and decided to wear it whenever the weather permitted. I felt close to my father in this small way. I spent most of my twenties getting to know my father through my grandmother. I clung to every story she shared. I wish I had recorded all of these conversations.

This Father’s Day, I encourage you to reach out to a child who won’t be spending Father’s Day with their father. Even if a child doesn’t articulate their father’s death as you may think they would, I’m here to tell you that this is a significant loss. It is a magnificent void that no one can fill. However, you can ease the pain of this void by being completely present with a child on this day. If you can’t think of anything to say, it is enough to offer these thoughts, “I’m sorry that your father isn’t here with you, but I want you to know that he would be very proud of you.” Someone once spoke these words to me on Father’s Day, and it brought me tremendous comfort.

You can also read this article on The Shriver Report.

The One Hundred Gala

Each year the cancer center at Massachutes General Hospital honors one hundred cancer heroes at their signature event – the one hundred gala. These heros and heroines include nurses, doctors, researchers, advocates, patients, and children. These individuals are nominated for bringing a bright light on cancer research, treatment, advocacy, or fundraising. Next month, Dr. Gary Hammer will be one of those honored. Dr. Hammer is an adrenal cancer specialist, and my late husband had this type of cancer. I am honored to be included in a write up you can read here.

The One Hundred is near and dear to my heart. I heard about it because of breast cancer patient Ann Murray Paige. Last year she brought down the house with her keynote speech.

I also had the privledge of talking with Ann, and wrote about her here.

It was heartbreaking for me to find out that this beloved mother of two young children and wife died earlier this year. We had plans to meet in person on July 4 in a small Maine town that we both had visited several times before but were not aware of each other’s presence.

Ann Murray’s bright light will still shine at next week’s Massachusetts General event.

Stay connected with Kristin and her journey!

Someone to Lean On

In 2007, my beloved husband died from adrenal cancer. He was asymptomatic, and there was little warning before his death that he was gravely ill. I was 33 then, and we had no children together. After he died I was truly alone. My center of gravity was grief. Shifting that center was important to me and seemed critical, so I sought out a widows’ support group. I thought this type of social support would help with the healing process. Truth be told, I sought out more than one support group, but I’m only writing about one of those experiences.

I remember walking into the basement of an old church and seeing about 10 chairs formed in a circle. I walked past the room and made a bee line for the bathroom. I was nervous, and wanted to dodge any small talk. Thankfully, after I exited the bathroom, the room seemed to fill. Within minutes, we were all seated and began to share our stories of how we became widowed. I heard about types of unbelievable death-inducing illnesses, diseases, and accidents. Most of the stories were so unique, the student in me wanted to take out a pen and jot each story down.

As the hour progressed, words like hope, grief, sorrow danced on the lips of these widows like it was their native tongue. Honestly, I couldn’t tell if they believed anything of what they were saying, but I listened. At one point in the discussion, a senior-aged widow sitting next to me reflected on the difficulty her adult daughter was having with their family’s sudden death. The widow was concerned that her daughter may have to leave the Ivy League school she was attending and move back home. I mumbled, “That’s tough.” The widow turned to me and stated, “Well, you’re too young to know about this.”

While holding back tears, I gritted my teeth and began to count slowly to 10. I wanted to interject that I was nearly 5 when my father died from cancer. I was fairly certain that his death and now my husband’s death secured for me a tenure status in the department of grief. I was seeking compassion and support, and suddenly all I wanted to do was escape. I actually began to plan my exit strategy long after this woman stopped her lament. Of course, my planning ended when I realized there was only one door.

I’m not against support groups, and I recognize their importance. However, my grief was darkened by this experience. I felt more lonely in that group than I did sitting home alone.

Last month over dinner, I was sharing this experience with a friend who actually facilitates support groups of a different nature. She was looking for honest insight into group dynamics. She asked me what would have made a difference. I said, “We all walked out to the parking lot together. If one woman, would have reached out, I think I would have returned.” Then I paused and added, “Actually, maybe I wasn’t ready for the group.”

Grief uniquely impacts each person. Listening to yourself and respecting where you are at with your journey is important. Grief is complex, and no two situations are the same. While we may seek compassion from others it is critical that we are first compassionate with ourselves. Give yourself grace.

You can also read this article on the Huffington Post

My Trip to Kenya

As many of you read in my newsletter, I am heading to Kenya. I will be traveling with a few other widows, and we will be visiting an organization that services widows. International Widows Day is June 23, 2014. This day brings to light the significant issues widows and children face. These problems include poverty, illiteracy, HIV/ AIDS, and social oppression. Please stay tuned for the photos and articles I’ll be honored to share with you as a result of my experiences in Africa.

You can find more information about International Widow’s Day here, at the Loomba Foundation.

Kristin on the Dr. Laura Ciel Show

Facebook